Its been many years now since I last was able to speak to my mom. Even before the car accident took her from this world, the communication between us had been severed. No longer could I just see my mom and talk to her for many reasons, not the least of the reasons being the monsters who abused me (and her).
I guess I should make this a happy post since I want this site to be a happy dedication to my mom. However, its hard to ignore the other side of what happened. It is hard to ignore all that she went through as I was growing up. I struggle to find answers to the questions of wondering how much she knew and why she didn’t rescue us. I’m afraid it is not as simple as my mind would lead me to believe.
Regardless, my mom was the one that I gravitated towards in my family. She was beautiful outwardly and inwardly. She cared about others and had so much love, even if she didn’t know how to share the same with her own self. She tended to understand me in ways that no one else did. She seemed to know more about me than most.
Even in the midst of a scathing letter writing for the emotions of the monster in our house, she did realize I was special. I had unique talents and abilities that no one else in the family had. So, even though the words of the letter cut deep, there was the special moment in there. Most of my life was the special moments mixed in with the terror and trauma.
Its hard to see past some of these things. The days and nights of torment led me to great struggle in life. If only the monster didn’t control her and if only she could rise up against the monster, things would have been different. Unfortunately, that is a fairy tale I now tell myself. Times were different in those days. It wasn’t easy for a wife to stand up to the husband nor was it allowed in society.
I am thinking of my mom as Mother’s Day draws near. I know she is close to me even though she no longer walks this earth. I do miss her. There is not a day that goes by when I do not think about her. I wish things could have been different. I always wanted to ask her questions, but never got the opportunity.
Now I’m left with just what my memory can recall of my mom. I have very few pictures, but if I want to see my mom, I can look at myself. I know we were so much alike. This is one of the reasons, this music CD of Relaxing Spa Music exists and why I put this website together. It is my long lasting tribute to my mom.